Aged ten, my father asked me what I wanted in life. I thought with all the philosophical depth I could muster at that age and decided I wanted to be happy. He rolled his eyes, ‘of course you want that, everybody does, but what do you want in order to achieve that?’ I was stumped by the question then and still am, to some extent.
What about you? Money, fame, relationships, freedom, respect, altruism, being good and belonging are all common, understandable answers. I think my father asked me this question to see if we shared the same 'right' answer, but is there a right answer? Is this the wrong question?
The old saying goes that there are two ways to be happy: you can get what you want or want what you have*. The first option, whilst endlessly enticing, never leads to satisfaction over time as stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius explains 'we all strive to achieve a state where wants are met. Yet, whenever our wants are met we always want something more or different.' Sure, there is a honeymoon period, but never a happily ever after.
And there are many reasons for this. Firstly, society isn't set up to make us stop and appreciate what we already have, and - in society's defence - neither is our individual psychology. Our minds are endlessly comparing, judging and planning in order to maximise our chances of survival and prosperity.
A useful distinction here is first and second-order wants**. A first-order want is the thing we (largely emotionally) want right now, for example, an ice cream. The second order want is what we want to want. It may be that we wish we didn't want a ice cream as we want to lose weight, or maybe that we could want the ice cream without guilt and shame. There is often conflict between what we want and what we want to want.
But what if what we want is to simply appreciate what we have, right now and not what we hope to have in the future. I (as Marcus did) would argue, the ultimate want of everyone is to have no more wants.
I know of two approaches to addressing this conflict between - apologies for the unavoidable tounge twister - what we want to have and what we want to want to have (which is what we have).
First is the stoic approach: using thought to improve wellbeing. Marcus Aurelius suggests that you “don't set your mind on things you don't possess as if they were yours, but count the blessings you actually possess and think how much you would desire them if they weren't already yours.” This approach can be very helpful and I would recommend reading A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy by William B Irvine if you would like to explore this, and other similar approaches, further.
Second is the mindfulness approach. Many come to meditation to satisfy first order wants such as relaxation, better mental health, increased performance or even a deeper understanding of individual and collective psychology. Not many people come to meditation wanting to not want but just to be with experience. In my mind, though, (pun intended) the greatest benefit to be achieved through meditation is the gradual, gentle softening of the 'wanting' process itself and the development of the ability to just be with experience as it is. That doesn't preclude wanting things and experiences but allows one to enjoy what we have a little more and to want things to be different a little less. To quote a participant at our last face to face group, wants can 'just wash over you'.
Practice: Bringing curiosity to our thoughts and feelings introduces distance and allows us to be with them without being beholden to them as much. Next time you notice a want, can you bring you attention to it as soon as you notice it?
Is it of a first or second-order?
What effect does it have on your body, is there any are you crave it from such as the stomach, heart or hands?
And what effect does this want have on your mind? Are you imagining satisfying it or feeling guilty for wanting it?
Do you want to want this?
Is it possible to sit with the want, rather than grasp to satisfy it immediately whether in reality (e.g. reaching for the biscuit tin) or fantasy (e.g. imagining this)?
* I have tried and failed to find a reliable source of this saying so equal credit can go to Rabbi Hyman Schachtel, the Dalai Lama and Sheryl Crow - please let me know if you can source it better.
** Philosopher Henry Frankfurt proposed this term as part of his interesting philosophical enquiry on free will. You can google this if you are interested but Jerry Seinfeld explains it to Jimmy Fallon pretty succinctly here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8OQdOKHO-c
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